Diary of a
snow shoveller,
probable location - Buffalo NY
December 8 - 6:00
PM
It started to
snow.
The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print.
So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic
sight!
Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?
Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt
like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted
all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to
worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow!
8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes
everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches
forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the
wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly.
We aren't in
Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this
morning.
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt
like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December 17
Still way below
freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5
hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare
at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood
stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right.
I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back
on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
More
shoveling!
Took all day.
The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I
think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in
March.
I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me.
I think he's
lying.
December 22
Bob was right
about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today,
and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to
get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to to the toilet.
By
the time I got undressed, leaked and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of
snow today
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front
of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to
do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's
lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow
packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart
attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll
drag him through the snow by his scrotum and beat him to death with my broken
shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for
the snowplow.
December 25
Merry freaking
Christmas!
20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in.
The idea of
shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot.
If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26
Still snowed
in.
Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She's
really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature
dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above
-20.
Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more
inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the
silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved
in.
I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million
dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more
inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to
what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good.
I
just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the
bed?