Wednesday, January 15, 2014

By an 86 year old woman.

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
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Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place,
Sooo... it doesn't take much to piss us off.



Diary of a snow shoveller

Diary of a snow shoveller, 
probable location - Buffalo NY
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning.
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling!
Took all day.
The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to to the toilet.
By the time I got undressed, leaked and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his scrotum and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25
Merry freaking Christmas!
20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20.
Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in.
I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.


January 8
Feel so good.
I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

Storybrooke Tour

Once upon a Time archives Jan 2014

http://onceuponatimeabc.net/2014/01/

http://onceuponatimeabc.net/2013/12/

Once Upon a Time: What is in store for season 3?

Once Upon a Time: What is in store for season 3?



Posted: 14 Jan 2014 09:10 AM PST
Excitedly and impatiently, we are waiting for March 9 to arrive. TV Guide’s William Keck just released some details on what to expect. It seems that Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, the Executive Producers, have a few exciting things in store for Fairy Tale Land, Storybrooke and Oz. Where do we begin first? Ahhh!
We recently learned about Rebecca Mader joined the cast as the Wicked Witch of the West. She will appear in Storybrooke on the March 9 episode. Not much information has been released, but we do know that she has ties to two known characters. In this episode, we also find out what turned her green.
Eventually, we will meet the Wizard. Kitsis said, “There might be some other surprises along the yellow brick road.” They are arranging the ultimate fight with the Evil Queen versus Wicked Witch. Whaaaa?!! Let the bets begin!
Many of us know that Ginnifer Goodwin and Joshua Dallas are actually having baby and engaged to be married. The executive producers tied this into the show when Snow and Charming decided to have a baby. Well, it is happening and a new royal baby is on the way. However, the baby will have some sort of connection to the impending progeny of Sleeping Beauty (Sarah Bolger) and Prince Phillip (Julian Morris).
It was promised there would not be a dramatic or soap opera type baby switch.
This episode will also lead into more drama around the remaining cast. Emma (Jennifer Morrison) will meet a mysterious stranger (Christopher Gorham) in New York City.
As Charming waits for this baby to arrive, he is still saving damsels in distress. He will save Rapunzel (Alexandra Metz) atop a tower. In addition, Belle (Emilie de Ravin) will encounter her French candlestick pal, Lumiere (Henri Lubatti).
The other thing rumored is a possibility that Red (Meghan Ory) may make a guest appearance. She has been working on CBS’s “Intelligence,” but the show just wrapped up their first season.
Finally, we also found out that there will be a wedding in the season finale. Who will it be? Belle and Rumple? Emma and Neal? Emma and Hook? Robin Hood and Regina? What do you think?